


If you really wanna fight with me (then drop the act and take accountability)

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, mentions of bunny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 10:11:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8620471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Kyle and Cartman's often confusing and always intense feelings for each other come bubbling to the surface





	

Eric Cartman spent the first ten years of his life fully convinced that Kyle Broflovski was the bane of his existence. 

Every time they fought Cartman's heart pounded faster and his face grew hot. It wasn't until November of fifth grade that Clyde frog-sewn back together by Liane after the incident- had suggested these things may be indicative of something else. Clyde Frog was promptly ejected from the tea party. 

Cartman had been appalled. Of all the audacity! Kyle was nothing but a no good Jew; Cartman would never sink so low. But that night he began to think. 

It's not like Kyle was really so bad. And even when he was yelling, the way he furrowed his eyebrows was cute. And Cartman had always been aware, in the deepest darkest corner of his psyche, that he probably wouldn't always make the scenes he did if he didn't know that it would get Kyle's attention. 

And there was something else he had thought about too. What if Kyle hadn't grown up in South Park? What if Cartman hadn't? How much of who he was was only an elaborate scheme to see the way Kyle's face turned red when he was frustrated? 

The next day at the bus stop he didn't know what to say. Suddenly the offhand insults he'd thrown around for years didn't seem quite right. He wanted to fill the space between them with something more. 

••••

It was during the third quarter of their seventh grade year that Kyle first experienced utter confusion. 

He and Cartman had gotten into one of their big blowout arguments, screaming and yelling at each other. Everything was going as usual, when Kyle suddenly felt a strange sensation pass over him. 

It wasn't altogether alien to him. It was the same thing he felt when he watched porn in his room at night, and once when he saw Kenny take his shirt off. But never had he felt it so intensely. 

He was...aroused? Something about him and Cartman so close and so overwhelmingly passionate was really doing it for him. His chubby figure wasn't exactly conventionally attractive, but there was definitely a certain cuteness about him. 

Kyle couldn't tell if this was a result of hormone imbalances or of a repressed attraction. The line was far too blurred for his liking. 

Kyle was sickened. Cartman was despicable, how could his body betray him like this? 

But even so, the next time he jerked himself off it was to the thought of Cartman's hot breath on the back of his neck. 

••••

 

Kenny was well aware of the feelings shared between his two friends. He saw the way their childhood anger had evolved into sexual tension. 

He was also the only person in town to recognize the similarities between the two. Both had wild tempers, and an irritating compulsion to always be right. 

Kenny also saw that Kyle wasn't the saint that many seemed to see him as. He and Cartman had both made mistakes, had both hurt the people around them. Kyle's morals were as flexible as Cartman's, if only he was given the opportunity to avoid trouble or show off his massive intellect. 

That was another thing they had in common. They we're undoubtably the smartest people in town. This was surely a large part of the reason that they singled each other out. 

Only Kyle was clever enough to appreciate the underlying implications of Cartman's schemes, and only Cartman challenged Kyle's brilliance with over the top action. 

Kenny thought they had a fascinating dynamic. 

 

••••

Kyle was in his best friend's room with his face buried in the same Denver Broncos bedspread he'd had all his breakdowns in. Like the time Cartman lit his very detailed character analysis of Benvolio for Mr Vincent on fire. 

Unsurprisingly, Cartman was once again the source of his misery. 

Today in their middle school cafeteria, he'd revealed an earth shattering piece of information. 

Now, this was not uncommon. Quite the contrary, in fact. Cartman seemed to thrive on gathering his peers together to instill fear or provoke chaos. And he always, always got a reaction out of Kyle. 

This occasion was no different. 

The two were engaged in an argument more heated than their debates had been in years. Kyle was tense after taking a test last period and getting out in the best way he knew how. Cartman, for once, was not in the mood. 

"Fatass, your theory about the Kennedy Assassination makes no sense whatsoever! Gandhi wouldn't even have been alive!" 

Cartman chuckled and in an uncharacteristically subdued manner said, "Yeah, Kyle. I guess you're right." 

"C'mon dude, you aren't gonna argue?" 

"Jesus, who cares man? What does it fucking matter?" Cartman replied, growing frustrated. 

"Fuck you, Cartman! Don't act as if we haven't fought over stupider shit," Kyle shot back. 

"Leave me the hell alone, Jew! Back the fuck off, holy shit!" 

Butters and Kenny glanced nervously at each other and Kyle laughed derisively. 

"Me leave you alone? You're the one whose spent our whole lives fixated on me! You never fucking give up! It's like you're in love with me or something, God!" Kyle exclaimed. 

Suddenly all the tension in Cartman's body relaxed, and he sighed. Almost like he'd finally decided to give up. 

"Yeah, Kyle. You cracked the fucking code. Congratulations, dude." Cartman's words escaped him as only as hiss, and he looked on the verge of tears. He jumped from the table in one fluid motion and ran. 

Stan was wide eyed as Kyle told him all of this. He'd been home with a fever that day, and was kicking himself for missing out on all the action. 

"What do I do, Stan?" Kyle asked, clearly very upset. 

"Dude, I have no idea! I mean, how do you feel about him?" Stan was mostly joking. He'd rarely seem Kyle and Cartman not at odds, the feelings being reciprocated was simply not possible. 

Kyle cringed, looking sheepish. Stan gaped. 

"Dude, what the fuck?!" He exclaimed, sincerely shocked. 

"Stan! It's not like this is something I'm particularly proud of!" 

Kyle was clearly embarrassed, clenching his teeth and turning red. 

Stan didn't want to make him feel any worse than he already did, so he walked over to wear Kyle sat on the bed and ran his hand comfortingly over Kyle's back. 

"It's just physical though, right dude?" Kyle put his face in his hands again in lieu of a response. Stan groaned. 

••••

Cartman was in panic mode. The second the words had come out of his mouth, all anger had vanished and fear came in its place. How could he do something so stupid? He needed to get out. 

He'd walked right out of the building and towards his house. When he arrived, he ran up the stairs and slammed his bedroom door, locking it behind him. His mom was horribly worried, and brought him up an entire batch of homemade cookies in an effort to make him better. She'd been very concerned about how red his eyes and nose were from crying, but he hurried her out the door. 

Now he was sitting on his bedroom floor, sniffling quietly and texting Kenny. He assumed Butters was with him, because everyone had a sneaking suspicion they were fucking. Well, actually he hadn't responded to Kenny in ten minutes because his last message brought him to a screeching halt 

dude!! u need to talk to kyle!! he feels the same way 

Cartman wasn't sure what to think. He was inclined to believe this was only a well meaning attempt from Kenny to comfort him, but his stomach filled with butterflies nevertheless. 

Cartman was abruptly startled from his thoughts by the sound of the doorbell. He groaned, assuming that Kenny and his boyfriend were here. He heard his mom open the door and greet someone. When he heard the response, he gasped. It was Kyle. He glanced around desperately for a suitable hiding spot and found none. Goddamnit! He could hear footsteps on the stairs. 

Soon enough, his door swung open to reveal a nervous looking Kyle scratching the back of his neck. He stepped into the room without an invitation. He looked ready to say something, but first noticed Cartman's tear stained face. 

"Oh, dude! Are you okay?" He clearly hadn't expected the waterworks. 

Cartman didn't bother feeling embarrassed, as he had already dramatically confessed his love to the same boy earlier that same day. He stood up, walking toward Kyle. 

"Yeah, I'm okay. Considering. Listen , Kyle. I'm sorry. I mean, I know this isn't the worst of done you to, because we've been through a lot of shit. But I am sorry. Seriously." 

Kyle laughed kindly. He'd rarely seen Cartman look so vulnerable. His cheeks were pink, and the defeated look in his eyes broke Kyle's a little. 

"Cartman, its really okay. Hey, do you remember that time last year when Stan and Kenny went to that dumb concert? And we hung out at my house?" Kyle asked gently. 

Cartman's brows came together in confusion, and he cocked his head slightly to the side to indicate that he wasn't following. 

"Well, that whole night I kept looking over at you, you know? And I kept thinking 'hey, with all the bullshit that goes on in this goddamn town, it wouldn't be so weird if we kissed'. I was like, trying to justify it to myself, right? But I couldn't get myself to do it. And then today, you came right out and told me how you felt. And all I could think was 'Well fuck, if I kissed him all that time ago, we could've been kissing ever since.'" 

Cartman opened his mouth to speak, and found that he was choked up. All he could make out was a whispered "Holy shit, Kyle." 

Kyle leaned into kiss him then, making up for lost time. Cartman involuntarily let out a humiliating whine. Kyle laughed into the kiss, pulling him closer. 

They continued kissing gently, both shy. Cartman made a blind grab for Kyle's hand and intertwined their fingers. Their bliss was soon delayed by the sound of someone gasping. Both boys turned suddenly to see Kenny, looking thrilled.

"Yo, it finally happened!" he declared to his two embarrassed friends. 

Cartman thanked God that he now had a boyfriend to help him exact revenge.


End file.
